The 10 Month Catch-Up

Yes, I've been remiss at keeping this blog up to date. Guilty as charged. I am a bad blogger. Fret ye not, however. I've been doing my best to be a good mother and that should count for something.

Jaggar and I have been having a great time for the last five months which has gone decidedly easier than the first five months and what a relief that is!

First off, we started sleep training using the Sleep Easy Solution back on May 5th. Within 2-3 nights he was sleeping like a champ including naps. I seriously can't recommend that system highly enough. It involved minimal crying (I cannot bear to hear my baby cry all by himself in bed) and maximized things like routines which Jaggar responds really well to. Granted, there is the occasional night when, for whatever reason, he wakes up, and we have to go in and rock him back to sleep. But thankfully, the vast majority of nights, he sleeps for 11-12 hours without a peep. It's so awesome I wish I could have comforted myself back at the 3 month mark with the knowledge that only a couple of months later this would be my future. I would have had a glass of wine and quit my bitching on the spot!

Jaggar is doing excellent health-wise. He's at about 21-22 lbs and almost 30 inches long with a very large head. He's in the 75-95% for height and weight and 95% for head. A very big boy! We have no idea if this is any indicator of future weight or height/stature but for now, he's at the head of his class. :)

I was glad that he was scoring so highly in the growth department considering that my breast milk essentially gave up the ghost the first week of August. I just was never that great of a milk producer but as my body's hormones returned to their more normal state, the breastmilk supply went from paultry to nil. Thank heavens we've always had formula at the ready. He transitioned to full formula feeding so seamlessly you'd have never thought he ever breast-fed at all. I was a little sad not to be missed! I spent a couple days feeling like a breast feeding failure after that. It's funny how your mind changes about things once you're in the thick of them. At the beginning I thought I'd barely hang in there six months. By six months I was totally ready to go to one year and even beyond. But fate had other plans. Now, I'm just grateful I made it to nine months. It was the very best I could do with a frustratingly low milk supply so I hung in there as long as I possibly could.

In addition to being an all-formula kiddo now, Jaggar also eats solid food like it's going out of style and many people (whose babies must not each much!) have commented on his generous appettite. Hey, what can I say? The kid can put away food. He eats everything we put in front of him and adds new foods to his repertoire almost daily. His favorites right now are little cubes of cheese, bananas, peaches, peas, corn and little nibbles of bread. He's almost completely "over" being fed by a spoon (he routinely slaps the spoon out of my hand which is just as maddening as you'd think it would be) though, so nearly gone are the days of baby cereal and pureed meals. I have about a week's worth of pureed meat, veggies and fruit left in the freezer so as soon as we're done feeding him those, he'll essentially be on his own to hand-deliver his own food to his mouth. He prefers it that way, though. He's having a grand time with his finger foods.

Back at the end of May he learned to sit up. That was around the time he also started spontaneously clapping. Totally cute. I used to reinforce this behavior with the phrase "Good job!" so now I think he thinks that's his cue to clap since whenever I say it now, like when he finishes a meal, he claps. Hilarious. He's a champion log-roller as well and just figured out two days ago how to get from the laying to the sitting up position. Considering his other strides in the milestone department, that's sort of been a delayed one. I've noticed that he tends to jump around a bit in his development and doesn't necessarily do things in order. But he develops nonetheless and seems to be very creative in bridging the gaps between where he is and where he wants to go. He definitely gets that from his Papa! :)

Anyway, he cut his first tooth - well, both bottom teeth - on June 6th while we were visiting my parents in California. He started doing a sort of "army crawl" tummy crawl early in August which was quickly followed by the sit-up crawl that he does now where one leg is behind and one leg is stuck in front and he pulls himself along with his hands/arms. It's odd-looking but I'm amazed at how quickly he can get around that way. When he hears music now he often rocks back and forth (and sometimes claps, too) which is so adorable I almost can't deal. So sweet. He babbles up a storm now, too. His "words" so far are "ba ba", "ga ga", "goo goo", "da da" and "wa wa". He was calling us both "ga ga" a few days ago, especially when we'd be gone for a period of time and come back into the room. But maybe that's just more of a "word of the day" thing since yesterday it was all "goo goo" and this morning he's been on a "da da" kick. Regardless, it's fun and we have a good time with our little chatterbox. Can't wait until he starts saying things that really mean something (like "Mama" :P).

He first pulled himself up to standing while holding onto the coffee table about two weeks ago. Now, he's officially a "cruiser", pulling up to standing while holding onto something and then working his way "walking" around the room. It's his new favorite thing. Also his new favorite thing is to find the cat and grab his tail which is especially fun when the cat is stationary, such as when he's eating. Then when the cat is finished eating I have to swoop in and grab Jaggar to keep him from getting his little mitts in the cat food bowl. Ick!

Needless to say, this weekend is now the official hard-core baby proofing weekend. We'd done some preliminary baby proofing a while back (padding the coffee table and whatnot) but this weekend we're acquiring baby gates and latches for all the cabinets. If I didn't spend all day every day on him like a duck on a June bug we'd have likely had to get these things sooner but now that he's completely mobile, even I can't keep ahead of him anymore.

And woe to the cat. It's not that Merlyn doesn't like him. He's actually quite tolerant of him touching his fur which is sort of amazing for a cranky, 15 year-old feline who was unseated as the "baby" a year ago. But Jaggar just really loves his tail and that's any cat's holiest of holies. So, more than one strained "meeeeeooooowww" has been omitted when Jag's gotten hold of the tail-end. Thus the handwriting's on the wall and just like when the little guy's fallen a bit hard on his butt because he lost his grip standing, pain will likely have to ensue before he learns not to tangle with kitty, too. Hopefully they will come to some sort of understanding without a lot of bloodshed. Otherwise it's going to look a bit like trench warfare around here keeping them on opposite sides of the baby gates!

As for Johann and I, we've continued to hang in there. Heaven knows life hasn't been easy, with baby, of course, and with things like my painful ovarian cysts making an unwelcome comeback. (Ugh!) There have been plenty of days when I've been a grouch-a-saurus for sure and it's just my exceptionally good luck that I'm married to a very patient man.

As for life with baby, we continue, as always, to try to roll with the punches. We do our best to appreciate the magic milestone moments. We catch the adorable moments on camera - like baby's first dip in his kiddie pool - and laugh off the crazy moments, like the night poop leaked out of Jag's diaper and he kicked it all over the bottom of his exersaucer. (What a stink that was!)

Meanwhile, I've continually been in the process of eliminating things and situations from my life that have been sapping my time and energy. It's been challenging for really the first time to say "no" to people and absolutely mean it. I've received some flack and pushback and certainly a bit of guilt-tripping. But life is what it is and priorities shift and I'm learning that saying "no" is actually not the end of the world. It is, in fact, the beginning of a whole new life. Everyone asks me if I'm going back to work and gradually, I'm figuring out a plan to get back to writing, yes. When I quit my job last year that was the end of my working outside the home, though. I guess that's strange in this day and age that a woman isn't headed back to work after a baby, especially a woman like me. Honestly, though, the two most fulfilling careers I've ever had are my writing and being a mother and both of them can best be accomplished at home. So, as long as my kiddo wants me around, I wouldn't be anywhere else except right here with him. :)

This is not to say that I haven't been going a little stir crazy jonesing to travel again becuase I totally have. Johann and I have been kicking the idea around of going on vacation with the small fry. Yes, most people think we're mad but I'm determined that this can work. We're not the only people to ever take a one year old on an airplane and live so I think this is do-able if we can just figure out the logistics. (Like keeping copious amounts of snacks on hand and letting him walk around the plane when possible.) Family-friendly trips are a bit limited in terms of location, however, and I'm loathe to go anywhere with "Disney" in the title. (Though someday soon we will get to Disneyland with Jag's CA grandparents and that will be awesome.) This was when I came up with Hawaii. I've been a couple of times and I love it there. It's as kick-back as it can be so it's perfect for a family trip. For once Johann didn't give me the "There's no way you're getting me to go somewhere hot and tropical" look and, in fact, gave me the "green-light" to present him with pricing and options. Woohoo! So, we're tentatively looking at November. It's cheaper than Europe so already Johann's liking the idea AND the place is rife with photo ops so his camera will certainly get a healthy workout. Score and score!

And finally, we're knee-deep in the planning stages of Jaggar's first birthday bash. Yes, we are THOSE people who are going all-out for our kid's first birthday even though he'll not only not have any appreciation for what's going on but he'll also never remember any of it. Whatever! We're still going to have a blast and it's really the first, last and only birthday he'll have where the adults can drink cocktails, right? After this it's those infernal/insane all-kid parties that give you the kind of headache that even a fistfull of Tylenol 3's chased with 43 proof gin couldn't cut. Holy hell! So, we're living it up for this one and inviting all our favorite people. My parents are even flying up for the occasion. It's going to be fab!

So, that's our last five months in a nutshell. Every day hasn't been nirvana, I'm sorry to say. There are times when I still think life would be SO much easier if I didn't have a little "mini-me" in tow. But whatever. Life is a lot more interesting this way. Sure, people give us those looks of fear and horror when we get on airplanes with the kiddo now and he likes to get halfway through any grocery shopping trip and have a mini-meltdown in the pasta aisle but c'est la vie. He's adorable and he's charming (he gets it from moi) and we're stuck with him now anyway so it's a good thing we really like him. Ha! But seriously, he's my sidekick...my poopy, drooly, messy-haired sidekick and I love him to pieces. Best. Kid. Ever.

J.

Rolling: The Update

It seems that Jaggar must read my mind and know when I'm writing blogs about the things he's 'not' doing because within a day or two of each one, he seems to kick into gear and suddenly do that thing. Small boy cracks me up... :P

Anyway, as of yesterday, Jaggar is officially a roller. He rolled tum to back twice in a row during tummy time and then did the same thing - two rolls - again today. He giggles and smiles and squeals when he does it, too (probably it helps that he sees me all excited about it but I like to think that rolling is great fun for him) which is completely the cutest thing ever!

Again, Johann hasn't witnessed it yet despite my encouragement for him to put Jag on his tum so he can show Papa his "tricks". But soon I know he'll show his dad what a big boy he his. Until then, I'll just enjoy my private little "floor show". It's so amazing to see him developing! :)

J.

On the Roll and the 4 3/4 Mo. Check Up

It's been an eventful few weeks which has included a magical roll-over moment by Mr. Jaggar himself. I could hardly believe it when it happened but about two weeks ago he was having tummy time on his play gym mat and poof! He rolled from his tummy onto his back. Of course, he hasn't done it again since (!) so maybe Johann doesn't believe me but it happened, I swear! It was so thrilling I even had to report it on Facebook. It's amazing the things you get excited about when you're a parent but it really was such a cool thing.

Now, he seems to be fixing on rolling over the other way - back to tum. He threatens to do it just about every time we put him down on his play mat and Johann has run for the camera half a dozen times to catch the moment when it happens. But the little man is keeping us in suspense and no roll has been witnessesed - or documented - yet. We know we'll see it soon, though.

After fretting like only a new, inexperienced mother does over every little milestone, Jaggar's check in with the pediatrician yesterday made all that concern seem silly. He's doing really well and is measuring now, head to toe, in the 75th to 90th percentile for height, weight and head circumfrence. At his two month check up, his weight was good, head was huge (95th percentile) and body was short. So, it seems he's become a lot more proportional these days. Probably, I should have never doubted this but I can't help be relieved that his head is measuring in a little smaller category (was worried he might be getting into the zone for encephalitis) and that he's getting a little taller, too. I was surprised that he weighs as much as he does (my back isn't surprised - no wonder he's about to throw it out at 16.2 lbs now!). Can't believe he's more than double his birthweight now!

Dr. Eldred is impressed that he's vocalizing as much as he is, too, so of course I take this to mean the child is a genius and will grow up to be an accomplished public speaker. Ha! But seriously, she thought it was a good sign that he's already so "verbal" so his little brain is really working away in there. Also, she thinks he's very strong for his age since he can do a full push up when he's on his tummy so obviously he will be an Olympic athlete as well. LOL!

Thankfully, there's nothing left for me to be concerned about. The kid's a perfect little butterball according to Dr. Eldred and she says we can even start him on solids now if we want to. It's crazy to think my little, tiny baby is ready to sit up in a high chair and eat real human food! She says to start with rice cereal so I will be buying my first box of it at the grocery store tomorrow. I'm excited and yet apprehensive at the same time - once he starts eating, I guess that means he's really growing up. I never thought I'd be one of those mothers who was sad that her baby wasn't a baby anymore but I think I probably will be one of them after all. For having lived every single second he's been in this world for the last almost five months (and having been awake for a disproportionate amount of it!), I still wonder where the time has gone...and I wish I could have a few minutes of it back.

Speaking of being awake, we are having less of it these days. Woohoo! Somehow the sleep fairy has come to our house, waved her magic wand and made our baby sleep 5 to 6 hours for the first stretch of sleep each night. Man, it's just so awesome! Of course, that stretch typically starts at around 9:00 and I don't typically get myself to sleep until closer to 12:00 so I really only get two to three hours of sleep before he wakes up and comes in with me to nurse, but I am still filled with hope that this is an indicator that someday he will sleep through the night. Yay! We still have to see how teething goes, of course, but overall, his body seems to be getting the hang of sleeping longer and that's encouraging!

One thing, of course, is that we haven't unswaddled him at night yet since we've been trying this long just to get as much sleep out of him as we possibly can. He sleeps for naps with his arms out but those are typically in his swing and typically only last 30 minutes to 2 hours max. The last few nights he's been wiggling his arms out of the swaddle which makes me think he may be trying to tell us that he's ready to start sleeping without one. I just worry that we may see a backslide in sleeping if those little hands are able to get out and touch his face like they so like to do. That wakes him up almost instantly and I'm NOT looking forward to that! So, we shall see how the next few weeks and the swaddle struggle goes.

Meanwhile, things here at home are going well. I did have a bout of the common cold last week that really knocked me on my butt however (Johann even had to stay home to take care of the baby on Wednesday because I had a fever and everything) I almost have to be grateful it happened because it gave me an excuse to catch up on 4+ months of poor sleep. I haven't felt this rested since Jaggar was born and it's such a relief. We also got to go on a date for Valentine's Day which was really fun and even involved cocktails. Woo! It's amazing the things you appreciate when you don't get to have them very often!

All in all, life is good right now and I'm grateful!

J.

Four Fab Months

As of tomorrow, Jaggar will be four months old. And so it's been four months since our lives turned upside down and we started living every moment trying to figure out and cater to one very small, adorable and amusing little dictator. :P But seriously, Jaggar continues to be the most fun baby and my awesome little buddy. We are having such a great time together.

In the past many weeks, Jaggar has started laughing, spitting/blowing raspberries, cooing, gooing, squealing and even making noises that make me think he's trying to "sing". It's hilarious and thoroughly entertaining. He's incredibly loud but this, like his cry, is a product of having me for a mother. What can I say? I come from a loud, vocal family! But at least most of Jaggar's noises are the joyful variety. And this is good because literally from the moment he wakes up in the morning (laying next to me, of course) he's cooing, gooing, chatting and raspberry-ing. He's completely silly and adorable.

The sleep situation continues to be a two steps forward, one step back proposition. No, we still haven't figured out what will make him sleep a good, long time other than just waiting for him to get bigger. Having said that, he's started sleeping longer - his first stretch of the night goes for about five hours. He still often wakes during that time, though, and we have to rock him back to sleep or feed him a little bit more if he fell asleep in the middle of the bottle we gave him to get him into bed in the first place. Yes, it's a bit of a chore, this bedtime with baby thing. But slowly, he does seem to be going a little longer. It's not that 8, 10 or 12 hour stretch that everyone else with a baby seems to get but at this point, I'll definitely take what I can get. I'm not picky; I'm just grateful.

These days Jaggar is extremely aware and notices lots of things he was never really interested in before. This is great, of course, since I can see his little brain working and recognizing things and being curious. This is bad, of course, because it's really challenging to get him to focus on things like breastfeeding when his toys or the t.v. or even the sound of Papa's voice are SO interesting. He's feeding a lot more efficiently these days, which is nice, so feedings don't take nearly as long (and are spacing out to almost 4 hours apart now) but sometimes it's like herding cats to get him to focus - and re-focus and re-focus and re-focus - on feeding. I'm definitely glad he's not one of those sleepy, boring babies, as I've said before, but his awareness does present its challenges. I suspect, though, that this is only the beginning of the challenges his keen awareness will bring. :)

After bragging (well, at least to myself) that Jaggar is the smartest, brightest, most aware little guy, I realized the other day, reading one of those baby website emails that I get, that he has missed a milestone. Apparently he's supposed to be able to roll over from his stomach to his back by now. Hmmm... Well, he hates being on his stomach. "Tummy Time" each day is definitely a forced proposition. Much as I feel awful that maybe he's not developing ideally or on schedule, the little guy is probably going to have to come along at his own pace on this one. I have shown him many times how to roll over from his tummy to his back but I know he's not going to do it until he's darn good and ready. And maybe, just maybe, I need to stop being one of those paranoid mothers who wigs out over milestones. Maybe I just need to go with the flow...

Really, that's what I do most days. Jaggar and I are in a pretty good groove right now. I'm able to shower during the mornings now, bathe him by myself and generally do all of the things I need to do with him mostly without Johann's help. Johann is, of course, always super helpful but it's a nice feeling of accomplishment to take over the whole job myself during the day and be a success at it. That and it's nice to not have to wait until he's here to get a shower in. I'd grown pretty tired of being stinky!

Baby boy is due for his four month appointment at the doctor's on February 28th. I suspect he's going to tip the scales at significantly over 14 lbs since he's outgrowing his clothing at a rapid pace and getting as plump as a Christmas turkey. The kid has definitely not missed any meals and while he started out as a "skinny-mini" he's starting to get that chubby baby fat I've been aiming for all along. Chubby Mission: Accomplished. :)

As for Johann and I, we managed to get out for a date back in January - we went to the movies and then to one of our favorite Tapas places - so it was nice to feel like we still sort of have a life and a relationship outside baby. We're due for another date sometime this week which I'm, of course, happily looking forward to. Jaggar's starting into the "stranger danger" phase I think so I'm not sure how long we'll get away with leaving him with someone and having him be okay but we'll push our luck until it changes. Much as I adore the little guy and much as my brain and body feel "odd" without him with me, I really do crave those few hours away even if sometimes I spend them at the grocery store!

Well, that's all the good stuff that's going on right now. We're looking forward to a visit from my father and brother here soon so Jaggar will finally get to meet his Granddad and Uncle. Can't wait! Otherwise, the little guy's getting bigger, getting even more cute, is checking out the world around him and hopefully is learning to sleep longer through the night. And, on his own timetable, he will roll over. I just know he will. :)

J.

The First Three Months

I fully admit that I’ve been remiss in writing in my blog. Life with a new baby is hectic and I’ve resolved not to make apologies for not keeping up with outside responsibilities. Being a mom is a HUGE life change and, as y’all know, I’m always honest in this blog about how life is – no candy coating. While some women seem to take to a life of “mommy-dom” like a proverbial duck to water, for me, it’s been a massive, crazy adjustment.

In the end, though – and by “the end” I mean, three months in now – I can say that while I may have been overwhelmed at the start, and I find I’m still overwhelmed by a general lack of sleep (and memory and maybe even a bit of sanity), I am most certainly also overwhelmed by my love for this little man whose come into my life to fill my days with smiles, inquisitiveness and poopy diapers.

Perhaps that’s where I should start – the fact that I had a baby boy. Who knew? Oh, wait. About two dozen people! Well, everyone had a 50/50 chance of getting the gender correct, I suppose, but if you know the Gomez family then you know that the chance of getting a boy was more like 90% since boys are simply what they make. So, I wasn’t surprised in the delivery room when they said it was a boy. It was still surreal, mind you, but even leaving for the hospital in labor I did sort of have this intuition that it was going to be a boy. And it’s hard to argue with intuition.

Labor, labor, labor…I’d regale you all with the story but it’s just too crazy for me to even want to tell for what would be the zillionth time now. Suffice it to say, after 28 hours of labor, four rounds of painkillers (including two rounds of epidural), a cervix that pretty much never wanted to dilate despite contractions that came one on top of the other and less than one minute apart, a fever (for me) and fetal distress (for the baby) set in so the doctor told us the baby needed to be delivered immediately. And since I was STILL only dilated to 7 cm, delivery had to come in the form of a c-section. Game over.

It sounds terrible to say but even though I broke into tears when she told me that, part of me also felt an incredible sense of relief that I wasn’t going to have to push the baby out. I was exhausted out of my mind by that point – physically and emotionally. I really don’t know how I would have pushed for three or more hours after what I’d already been through. Also, as we later found out, Jaggar was sunny-side up and wedged very firmly in my pelvis so, as the doctor put it, I likely would not have been able to push him out anyway and still would have needed a c-section. So, better to have gotten it before I gave myself an aneurysm pushing anyway!

Besides, by the time they were performing the surgery, I felt more calm and collected than I’d felt since labor started. Granted, the whole scene was completely surreal. The lower half of my body felt so disconnected from me it was like the surgery was happening in another room. But when they brought Jaggar around the curtain and put him on the warming table to clean him up, looking over my shoulder at him, I realized two profound things:

1.) I can’t believe that poor kid got my big, flat feet! Of all the traits I could have passed on to him! Good lord!

and

2.) I can’t believe it but I’m totally, completely and head-over-heels in love with that purplish, screaming, wet, gooshy baby! That’s MY baby! Give him to me now!!!

So, maybe getting the c-section was the right way to go, much as the recovery was a bear, the scar is quite unsightly, I was fairly traumatized for several weeks afterward and the whole situation was not at all the birth I thought I would have. It nevertheless gave me a peaceful break at just the moment it benefitted me the most – Jaggar’s birth. Many thankfully forthright parents had warned me that if I didn’t fall in love with the baby immediately upon birth that it was okay and I shouldn’t worry because eventually I would love him. And honestly, I totally thought I’d be like that. I thought it would take a while for me to feel a connection to a baby because, again, I’m just not the “mommy” type. But even I was amazed that I completely loved him upon first sight. He’s been the light of my life since the first moment I laid eyes on him.

And good thing, too, because that’s what got me through the first three harrowing weeks…

The baby blues are real. I will preface this by saying that, perhaps again to my amazement, I did not end up with too much in the way of genuine post-partum depression. This is not to say that I wouldn’t cry at the drop of a hat – sentimental movie or t.v. show, thoughtful gesture, a stressful moment, money worries – that all can get me tearing up pretty quick. But that crushing depression, which I was sure, with my own personal history of depression, was essentially a guarantee, never materialized. This is not to say that life has been a cake walk. I’ve had enough self-doubt and second-guessing myself as a mother to squash a mere mortal. However, my spirits have been easily salvageable, especially by my husband who seems to always know just the right thing to say or gesture to make to return me from the dumps to feeling like I can at least breathe again. Having a partner who’s in this with me 100% has been key to keeping my head above water in every sense. I truly do not know how I’d do this without Johann.

Having said that, though, the first three weeks were a melee of full-on baby blues. Hell, I think even Johann might have had them to some degree! The first week I honestly wondered what I had done and why it was that I thought that torpedoing my otherwise great life with a constantly-hungry, frequently crying and infrequently sleeping baby was a good idea. Again, it was very helpful that I was completely in love with the little guy. That feeling was compelling enough to bring me back from the brink a number of times and, as such, it was truly a blessing. In the rare moment that I’d get to take a nap while someone else cared for him, I’d wake up kind of refreshed and, for a split second life would feel like it did before I had a baby – easy and completely in control. And then I would remember the baby and think, What have I done? That’s when I’d remind myself that I love Jaggar and somehow I will get through this. Gradually, I did.

Sometime during my step-mom Cathy’s visit, I think her very sweet and positive attitude rubbed off on me and the dark skies over my head brightened. Johann and I went out on our first post-baby date to a yummy Indian restaurant and for the first time, life had a miniscule degree of “normalcy” to it again. I told him over dinner that despite our feeling overwhelmed, Jaggar was actually a pretty textbook baby. He’s not at all the spirited/grumpy/colicky baby I thought I’d get (these types run in my family, bless their fussy little hearts).

He’s logical. When he cries, there’s a reason. Figure it out and you can get him to stop crying. So, Johann started us out with our mental checklist – hungry, tired, dirty diaper, gas bubble – and we worked from there, solving the crying mystery and hitting on the culprit over 90% of the time. Somewhere between two and three weeks Jaggar developed a low grade bit of acid reflux that, combined with the fussiness the pediatrician said he’d experience until around 6 weeks, made for some interesting evenings of crying baby. But even these were deftly handled by my creative husband, a swaddling blanket and a bouncy chair which is truly remarkable to me considering how many parents I know have babies for whom nothing works to stop the crying. The baby gods have truly smiled on us and don’t think that I don’t know that because I very much do.

Nowadays, Jaggar is a joy – even more than he was before. Okay, I know, I’m not supposed to candy-coat things so I won’t. Truth be told: We haven’t got the least bit of a handle on the overnight sleeping situation. It’s almost a joke. We still have to put him to bed at night with a bottle of formula because my breast milk never came in en force like it seems to do for every other nursing woman on the planet (we theorize this is due, in part, to the c-section surgery and long recovery). So, even though it’s coming in better these days, it still does not begin to satiate Jaggar enough to get him to go to sleep in the evening. And then he still wakes up every three hours or less which I understand is normal for breastfed babies but is still crazy for me and Johann. We’ve reached several peaks of frustration over this but there seems no getting around it. Until he's older, we're sleeping in short increments whether we like it or not.

So, we have a baby that sleeps somewhat restlessly in his crib for three hours and then peacefully and soundly next to me for the rest of the night while he nurses every three hours and I get some semblance of sleep. The books say this should all get better from 4-6 months and don’t think we’re not looking forward to it. I do hope he will start sleeping more at some point before he goes off to college!!

Beyond this rather inconvenient sleeping arrangement, however, I will say again that Jaggar is a joy. Even his several “touchy” qualities are endearing. He’s a bit sensitive – especially sensitive to bright light (he has eyes that hate bright sunlight like my me and my mother) and noise, which he frequently startles and cries – so I do my best to expose him to these things in moderation so he can get used to them but slowly and on his terms. His touchiness, however, makes him very alert and aware. I know people with those sleepy babies who are always “good” and in a way I actually prefer Jaggar’s touchy-ness because he’s energetic, not lethargic. I think you know how a snoozy baby would bore me to tears after a while (at least after I was ridiculously well-rested anyway :P).

Jaggar loves to smile and coo and is on the verge of giggling. His hand-eye coordination is developing rapidly and he’s already starting to gain a bit of control over his hands to touch or move his toys a little. He can hold up his head fairly well and he’s tipping over on his right side so rolling over is definitely on his mind. It’s been amazing to see him develop from a little doll-like swaddled bun into a sentient being who can interact with us and is eagerly taking in the world around him. It’s so cool!

For the first time in my life, I’m following a schedule. That my child is the one who imposed this schedule upon me should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me. Ha! What can I say? I’ve always been ridiculously bored with routine so I tend to avoid it. However, Jaggar loves routine and since the focus of my life is keeping Jaggar happy, his sleep-eat-play-eat-sleep-and-repeat routine is now my life. Much to my relief, as of this week, his feedings are finally starting to space out from every hour and 45 minutes, which had been the norm since he was born, to more like three hours apart (hallelujah!). And yes, I realize how crazy that sounds. I’m still a total slave to the kid but my gratitude in life is now measured in minutes, not hours. I’m grateful to get those extra 75 minutes!

He’s also starting to spend time playing by himself with his play gym, etc. so it’s beginning to look like I *might* be able to figure out how to get back into the swing of my life now. Again, this is a huge relief since there are projects I’d love, and need, to work on (and a teensy bit of writing work that is coming my way next week). It is great to have Jaggar in a pattern that’s predictable enough to potentially give me small chunks of time to start working again. It’s going to be interesting, I’m sure. Babies seem to know when you need to go somewhere or must get something done and those are always the moments when they have their little meltdowns. I’m crossing my fingers that he lets me work a bit. We’ll see how it goes.

There’s a bunch of stuff I’ve left out, I’m sure, but since life has finally leveled off, I do hope to be back blogging now. Maybe I’ll get in here and write about some of the other interesting (and crazy and eye-opening) aspects of motherhood. And we haven’t even talked about my frightening post-baby body (eeeek!). That’s a whole other blog in itself!

Until then, I will say that I’m grateful I’ve survived this experience. It’s crazy to say but I wasn’t sure I would during those first couple of weeks. I still have moments of sheer frustration during a Jaggar crying jag (before I’ve used the checklist and figured out why he’s crying, of course :P) and there are days when I think my husband must seriously wonder if I’ve lost my mind. I totally have – hello! I had a baby and torpedoed my great life, didn’t I?! Clearly I'm nuts. But it’s okay. Jaggar’s the cutest baby ever and totally a keeper. I’ll just figure out how to salvage what’s left of my sanity and my thrashed life because I simply cannot live without the kid now. :)

And that’s the unvarnished truth. Motherhood is insane. I don’t recommend it for anyone who’s attached to their peaceful, calm and controlled life. Get a dog or something but don’t have a baby. Personally, though, I love it. It completely kicks ass. I’m glad I turned my “great” life completely upside down because it's even better now.

J.

39 Weeks: The Time Has Come!

Well, it's official: Doc says baby has dropped so labor is imminent. Could be a few days, could be a few hours but the time has finally come. Holy cow! Can you even believe it? I'm excited and nervous but really, more excited than anything else. That was my prevailing feeling at my doctor's appointment today. It's maybe the first time I've felt it this whole pregnancy - pure happiness and excitement. Mostly, this experience has been a mishmash of emotions and a lot of them have centered around apprehension and intimidation. But today, I'm just excited and I'm just going to "be" fully in that feeling. I'm overwhelmed and overcome but in a such good way!

This last week has been super productive and we've accomplished a ton of things. There was a lot of last minute baby shopping to do including getting a car set (can you say brinksmanship??!!), projects to complete (work and baby-related) and we're down to just the last few little things now that we'd like to get done but that won't be overly critical if we don't. It's a good place to be and a relief to finally feel like I've got things under reasonable control. We even have a pediatrician lined up which turned out to be a lot easier than I thought it would be. Don't know why I put that off so long but now it's done!

Anyway, I feel about as prepared as we can be now. I wish I had a couple more weeks to re-read the parenting books I read earlier on but it's okay. I have them for reference and surely they will keep me company during midnight feedings when I'm trying to figure out why they made so much sense to me during pregnancy and so little sense to me when baby finally showed up. Ha ha!

Of course, this last week of getting everything under the sun done and ready wouldn't have been complete without a little excitement. Saturday night my car, which was parked in front of our condo building, was hit and almost totaled in a dramatic motorcycle crash. I watched the aftermath from our window (I think the cyclist was okay but the paramedics did take him away strapped to a board) and when the damage to my car was assessed it took some creativity and used parts on the part of the body shop mechanic not to have it be a total loss so that's been a bit of a touch-and-go process. Meanwhile, we have a four door rental car and Johann's out there right now putting the car seat in it so we'll be ready to rock when labor starts. Still, you've got to laugh at how these last-minute dramas crop up. Of all the crazy timing! I'm just grateful I wasn't anywhere near the car when it all happened. Thank heavens for small miracles.

So, I think this may be it for the pregnancy blog. People have asked if I'll continue blogging after baby is born and I said I would if there's interest in hearing about life with baby so you all will have to tell me if there is. You know I would still be offering my frank opinions so no candy-coating on the realities of parenting. You decide if you can hack it. :P Still, it might be intriguing to have a record of baby's life and all the things that come along with it. So, we'll see what I decide to do. I still have to figure out how to breastfeed and survive on two hours' sleep first!

Name, gender and, of course, birthdate will be forthcoming so stay tuned to your cell phones, email and Facebook. And wish me luck in the delivery room. I can use all the good "push" thoughts you can send me!

Love,
J.

Week 38: Done with Work and Still Knocked Up

As luck would have it, I’ve made it all the way to Week 38 with baby still safely in-utero. I say that since a lot of the women in my family, of course, deliver a bit early. Man, I have needed this time, though. Work took me an extra day to wrap up (Monday instead of Friday) and I’ve still got two projects to complete by the end of this week before I can officially say that work, of all varieties, is finished. However, the big obstacle – work at the office – is done. My replacement, Shauna, is awesome and if she takes all the training and advice I gave her and combines it with her talent, intelligence and interest, she’ll do that job better than I ever could have. And that's what I wanted all along - to leave the company better than I found it. I think I've accomplished that goal.

By Friday I was beyond tired, though, I have to say. I was almost dreading the Bringing Baby Home workshop Johann and I signed up for over the weekend – eight hours on Saturday and then eight more on Sunday. I was so beat. But, this being the last and most intensive of our pre-parent training, I found the will and went and I’m glad I did. Unlike the other classes we’ve taken that have been more in the practical realm of training and preparedness, this class was about nurturing our marriage and this new child we’re bringing into our lives. I’ve always thought that Johann and I had a wonderful relationship – and especially, a friendship that is the most treasured of my whole life – but even we had things we needed to work on. So, this workshop was both a reinforcement and an eye-opener and definitely one of the most valuable 16 hour blocks of time we’ve ever spent together. We have a lot to offer our baby but the one thing I wanted to give him or her more than anything else was parents with a harmonious relationship. Now I feel that we have the tools to really do that and do it well. I’m so grateful we went.

My doctor’s appointment this week was the usual upbeat and fun experience that Dr. Kurachi makes it. I really do think she’s the perfect doctor for us. Isn’t it funny how losing my other two doctors got me to just the right one? Anyway, as usual, we laughed our way through this appointment and reveled in hearing baby’s slightly increased heart rate (160) due to the spicy lunch I had before the appointment. So funny to think that a little Tapatio got my little chalupa’s heart going so much! Baby’s head is lower in my pelvis than ever but my cervix still isn’t budging so no dilation yet. Dr. Kurachi isn’t worried, though. As long as the head is dropping, that’s the most important thing. She’ll check me again next week and see where I’m at. Perhaps, by that point, I will have “dropped” (where the baby gets super-low in the pelvis and labor is imminent) and things will really be ready for D-Day. It’s exciting to think that it could be anytime now!

Meanwhile, we have our official tour of the childbirth center this Thursday and our hospital bag is 2/3 of the way packed so we’re on our way to being 100% prepared to at least go to the hospital. Heaven help me, I still need to find a pediatrician. I’m starting to think this chore is the new bane of my existence and I HAVE to have one when we show up at the hospital. So, as soon as work projects wrap up this week, I’ve got to get someone on board to take care of baby. Otherwise those nurses who check us in at the hosptial when I’m in labor are going to give me “the look” of "you're busted!" and I don’t want that look!!

Overall, it’s nice to be on my couch right now with my feet up on a pillow. It’s nice to only have a bit more to do to be ready for baby. We’re getting our car seat this weekend and I’m especially tickled to get to take all the clothes we received at the shower and wash and put them away in baby’s dresser. I’m almost even a little misty-eyed about it, actually. I know I have a huge baby belly which should really say "reality" to me but it’s still amazing and mind-boggling to me that a little person is going to come out of there in a few days and I’m going to love it so much I won’t even know what to do with myself.

As I always say, it’s wild. I never seem to get over that feeling.

J.