Week 19: Paranoia

Baby is now in full kicking action which is super fun. I still laugh about the surreality of having a little being inside me wiggling, rolling and poking around. It's totally weird - but very cool.

I did get a bit nervous over the weekend when the movement decreased, however. It’s funny how easy it is to become paranoid over the littlest things. I deduced, after baby returned to kicking and moving like normal as I got back into the work week, that the change in routine over the weekend - more sleeping - had likely made baby more sleepy, too. Sort of like when you sleep too much and then you’re tired all day. I’m thinking fetuses may react the same way.

But oh, how the mind can go wild in the moment. This made me think of the other things I’ve become a bit paranoid about. They’re seemingly reasonable things to worry about, like getting in a car accident or getting smooshed getting out of my car on a busy street in a blinding rainstorm. These are the normal dangers of life we all have to watch out for but it seems amplified now that I'm responsible for a little one – even if that little one is in-utero and barely noticeable to anyone but me.

I figured this was bound to happen, though. Many women asked me during Trimester 1 if I was feeling anxieties yet and I really wasn’t unless you count the anxiety of potentially throwing up in public. Those first few months can be all-consumed by illness; at least they were for me. Now, however, I’m starting to see what they were talking about. I woke up this morning from tossing and turning in my sleep over the routine ultrasound we’re having tomorrow. I think some subconscious worries I must have about the “what ifs” were at the forefront of my dreaming mind. It was sort of a downer because, overall, I’m really excited for tomorrow’s peek at Baby. Now, of course, I think – maybe I should be concerned?

So, yeah, the paranoia has arrived. Overall, I it’s healthy paranoia and not the blood pressure-raising, let’s get some therapy kind that sends you over the edge. I still have a very rational mind that’s good at talking me down from crazy assumptions. It’s just frustrating to be a totally hormonal pregnant lady who’s running entirely on emotion. It makes me question my every motivation and that's annoying.

I’m not the only one who may be feeling paranoia, though. Johann announced this weekend, after holding our friends’ newborn baby who fussed the whole time he was holding her that, “Babies just don’t like me.” This is totally untrue, of course. I assured him that you just have to spend more time with babies and build your soothing skills and confidence. And some babies are just fussy no matter what you do so it’s not about you or your “vibe”. He seemed only semi-convinced of this, though and I do realize that this is a natural fear for any potential parent. Still, I think a few babysitting sessions with Baby Sofia are in order and will help him work on his mojo a bit. I think we could both use some good parenting practice sessions for sure.

All fears aside, however, this has been a good week. Closets and storage spaces are getting cleaned out to make room for baby. I’ve been back in the kitchen cooking full meals and even working on minor projects. Life is returning to normal and also progressing and that makes me happy. Tomorrow’s ultrasound is going to be exciting. I’m so jazzed to see Baby and how big it is now! Woohoo!

I’ll post pics for next week’s entry so you can see Baby, too. :)

J.