We had a fun Father’s Day on Sunday. I surprised Johann with his first Father’s Day gift – a comprehensive daddy how-to book which he’s had his nose in ever since. I also made him a big, tasty breakfast which I haven’t done in a very long time (at least since before the whole morning sickness debacle). It was a nice day and a great opportunity for me to acknowledge how dedicated and loving Johann is both as a partner and as a father-to-be. I’m so lucky to have him.
Baby is kicking lot more now. It’s not constant but the activity in there has definitely picked up. I’m amused, of course, that this has coincided with World Cup soccer and I laugh that maybe baby will grow up to be the next Kaka. If nothing else, baby is clearly active and ready to rock. It’s super fun. :)
This week Johann and I started watching a reality show on VH1 called “Dad Camp” which sequesters young fathers-to-be with their pregnant partners for several weeks in a program with a male psychologist to help them come to terms with their impending fatherhood (i.e.; “man up”) and build their parenting skills. For the most part, it’s a good thing this show exists because these guys have some serious personal issues to resolve before their babies arrive. Even for those of us in the 30-something and decidedly more settled range, however, the show can be very thought-provoking and even a bit amusing. (The challenge where the dads had to care for crying baby dolls all night was pretty hysterical.)
The show really got us to talking and, for me, facing some pretty overwhelming feelings. As reality sets in, I realize how hard it is to be far away from my family knowing that Johann and I won’t have help when baby arrives. And with both our mothers working full time, it’s just not feasible for them to be with us for those first few weeks anyway. Nevertheless, I am all too aware that a tiny, helpless baby is coming to our house and with only ourselves to rely on, I feel I have to be extraordinarily prepared to hit the ground running...or else.
Much as I’m a confident, independent and mature person, and as much as I have the best husband in the world to help, this is all still pretty daunting. And then, on top of that, my deep-seated fears have kicked in. Knowing that I’ll be maneuvering, among other things, our staircase and hot meals in the kitchen on two hours of sleep a night scares the hell out of me. It’s leftover PTSD from the scary car accident I was in six years ago during one of my bouts of exhaustion. The thought of being that tired again and being responsible for a tiny baby is a little terrifying. When Johann goes back to work, baby care will all be on me, whether I’m rested or not.
While I do have faith that I’ll manage, in talking with Gayle, mother of four week old Sofia, my “faith” may be more denial than depth. Baby is likely going to need more than I can currently perceive or imagine and I’ve got to be up to the task of meeting those needs. Somehow, though, I keep rationalizing to myself: How many women, over how many millennia, have successfully mothered their babies? Millions, right? And most of them didn’t have electronic swings, bouncy chairs and cars to drive baby around in to get it to stop crying and fall asleep. These women actually had to have mothering SKILLS. Comparatively speaking, I’ve got it pretty easy in the modern age. I SHOULD be able to handle this.
Nevertheless, I purchased about half the baby how-to books on Amazon yesterday. Granted, a book can’t tell you everything you need to know but it’s a hell of a lot better than guessing. Growing up the oldest of four kids, I’ve always thought I was pretty keen because I’ve got, among other things, the diapering thing and bouncing-to-calm-baby dance down pat. That, as I now realize, is just Step 1 and there’s about 100 steps after that to learn, perfect and perform on two hours’ sleep.
When I’m not feeling a little tearful about all this, I do laugh at myself. Ah, the irony that there is finally something in life about which I am not very confident or sure of myself. It took 36 years but it finally happened. I guess, as with all things, I have to dig deep, hang tough and believe in myself.
I can do this, I can do this, I can do this…
J.
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Hey Cuz, I just got caught up on the last three blogs and have to laugh at how perfect your top ten list is. The great health and cheap date thing both I chalk up to the absence of booze. I've never been healthier and may not be again until the next pregnancy...We also purchased the Happiest Baby on the Block and are intrigued with how simplistic the crying cessation instructions are, but are ready to try anything if it works. I did want to pass along a suggestion, if you've not yet considered and it's available in your area. We're fortunate that my mom will be able to come out and help us immediately following the birth, but if we hadn't had family coming to the rescue, we would have hired a post-partum doula. Looking into that, it alleviated (some of) my fears about being overwhelmed in those first few weeks. The doulas we checked out offered services such as daily cooking and cleaning and general help with the baby; the main focus was to take care of the domestic stuff so that the parents could focus on just the baby (but they'd serve as an in-house expert to consult as needed). Just a thought!
ReplyDeleteHi Stefanie!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the post-partum doula suggestion. I've heard of them but hadn't done much reasearch yet. I may, though, since I think I would feel a lot more secure knowing we have a Plan B.
I continue to enjoy reading your blog, too. I loved the one about your dreams. I get some pretty crazy ones, too. They're very entertaining. :)
Hope you're doing well and are hanging in there with the heat and ever-growing baby bump. Only a few more weeks to go!
xo,
J.